Thank you for your trust and courage.

Trigger Warning

Hey, my name is Marie.

I would like to share with you a small part of my story about abuse, bullying and loss.

Unfortunately, my life is marked by many depths. It started before I was even born. My mother and father fought a lot during pregnancy. I had already developed protective mechanisms in my mother’s womb, so I was born completely tense and with chronic back blockages. After I was born, my parents still fought very often. They separated when I was six months old.
It was a very difficult time for me. For the first few years of my life I grew up extremely sheltered but emotionally neglected.

At the age of four, my mother finally moved with me to my first stepfather in Saxony. He had an impulse control disorder, which is why I often had to suffer from him.
For example, once in winter he locked me out on the balcony in my underwear. When I was four, he locked me in a bag with my then-step-sister and once beat me so hard my entire arm turned blue. He also freaked out over the smallest things.

When I was six my mother and I moved back to Berlin because he kicked us out in the middle of the night and told us never to come back. Back in Berlin, my mother fell into a deep depression because of her own past. From then on I had to start taking care of myself as she couldn’t take care of me properly anymore.
I went to school where I didn’t have it any better and was bullied for years. At home I was now a lot angry and freaked out regularly. It wasn’t any better with my father either, since he had neglected me since I was 5 years old. Also, he couldn’t handle young children, so I was exposed to psychological abuse from birth.

Wie körperlicher und psychischer Missbrauch mein Leben zeichnete - Kleines Mädchen mit Teddybär
Wie körperlicher und psychischer Missbrauch mein Leben zeichnete - Kleines Mädchen mit Teddybär

From the age of 4 until I was 9, I was regularly in France in the summer. For six weeks with my grandma and grandpa on a nudist beach. My therapist is sure that I must have experienced sexual abuse during this time. However, due to my dissociative disorder, all memories are erased, which is why only behaviors and dreams can confirm this trauma so far.

When I was nine, my mother met a new man. Thus began the worst time of my life. Every day that passed was marked by the worst psychological abuse. My mother joined him and so I had nothing. I was alone, neglected and punished, for example, with constant withdrawal of love and attention. Because of my protective function, I hardly remember those times at all. To be honest, I don’t want to go into any more detail here. When he left me years later, my world collapsed. He had completely manipulatively bound me to himself. I no longer knew how to live without him.
The time after that was marked by self-harm and suicide attempts. I could never trust anyone again. My life has never been worth living again. Until I found the woman who is like a mother to me. But even that didn’t make it any easier for me as I’m vulnerable again and this time will haunt me forever. Among other things, my illness, the emotionally unstable personality disorder type borderline and many others.
But I fight. Every single one of these days.

This is a small, roughly summarized excerpt of my life that I would like to share with you here. Beware of some people in this world.
Take care of yourselves and always listen to your heart and your gut feeling.
I can give you that along the way.